Which of the following phrases best describes Fidel Castro: committed revolutionary, petty tyrant or colossal nag? If you picked colossal nag, not only are you an astute observer of international affairs, but a student of human behavior as well.

Castro, like all those who feel a need to impose their views on others, is essentially a nag.

The only difference between him and the patriarch who wants the bathtub scrubbed five different ways, is that Castro feels a need to reach beyond his own household and into everyone else’s.

Whether a feature of international or domestic affairs, nagging is a powerfully destructive force.

“Very often what causes a breakdown in relationships is when one or both spouses feels his or her perspective is right,” comments Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage therapist, and director of the Divorce Busting Center in Woodstock, Illinois (www.divorcebusting.com).

“If you feel your way of looking at things is right, then it’s your job to correct everybody, and to continue that pursuit until you get through.”

And therein lies the problem—people react negatively when hearing a demand repeated over and over again, and become uncooperative. Requests then evolve into grievances, accompanied by pouting, anger, withdrawal, threats, and insults.

“I think everyone brings their own unique flair to nagging,” says Weiner-Davis, author of Getting Through to the Man You Love: A No-nonsense, No-nagging Guide for Women (available at Amazon.com). “If you were to ask a woman why she’s always focused on the fact her husband won’t take the garbage out, she’ll provide a completely rational, valid explanation. In truth, for whatever reason, it’s very important to her. And she wrongly assumes if she just repeats her request, eventually she’ll hit gold. People resort to nagging when they’re unable to get what they want.”

However it’s perceived—as a form of control, or obsessive/compulsive behavior, nagging polarizes people, which is why it has so damaging an effect on relationships. Often it’s symptomatic of bigger issues. A spouse who feels neglected or emotionally deprived is likely to resort to nagging. It provides a form of connection, a harmful one that, nevertheless, seems better than no connection at all.

Just like children, adults will misbehave in order to get attention.

“The worst possible advice you can give a newlywed couple,” says Weiner-Davis, “is to express your feelings about everything. Far better advice is to choose your battles, so when you make a request of your spouse, and your spouse doesn’t comply, step back for a moment and ask how important is this? Is this one of those issues I go to war over, or do I focus instead on what my spouse does for me, and let this one slide by? Be creative about differences and find a compromise. If you talk to people in long-term, happy marriages, they’ll tell you acceptance is one of the key components to making it last.”

Weiner-Davis despairs of the fact people are so quick to resign themselves to conflict when a problem arises in their relationship: “It’s been my experience that couples try only one or two different approaches, then give up and resort to nagging. The idea of being creative eludes people. It’s a missing component.”

She advises couples to stop playing to script. Instead of reciting the same old points ad nauseam, employ an alternative strategy.

“When a wife asks her husband for more attention, he’s bound to verbally shutdown. So when they’re having breakfast together, and he picks up the paper to read, rather than re-state her grievance, she might take her breakfast outside, and sit on the deck. This seemingly insignificant act is so different from her usual behavior that he’ll take notice, and possibly pursue her. The couple is no longer on automatic pilot. On the surface it’s a very simple concept, but in reality it’s difficult because we’re so inclined to knee-jerk reactions.”

Suppressing the urge to dominate is a critical part of the process. Weiner-Davis recalls her own travails in this regard: “I’ve been married 30-odd years, and I remember in the early years of my marriage I worked pretty hard at getting my husband to be more like me, and it didn’t work all that well. What I learned from him is that one of me is enough.”

Mission Impossible:

Weiner-Davis provides solutions to help you cope with a nagging spouse, but what about all the other little Hitlers in your life, each of whom seems determined to deny you peace of mind? Here is a list of your most probable agitators, and a strategy to neutralize them:

• The nagging boss:
Adopt a policy of every man for himself, be acquiescent, and hope attention is focused on those less cooperative than yourself. Verbal demands are easily forgotten, or can be “misinterpreted,” so avoid written exchanges. Since unrealistic demands are likely being made of everyone, failure to comply will be the norm. Accept the fact that reason has no constituency in a dysfunctional workplace.
• The all-knowing in-laws:
Avoidance works well, but when that’s not an option devise activities that minimize communication. Take them shopping, to the zoo, an open house, or a garage sale. Keep travel time short to impede conversation. Deny them the opportunity to vent. Find safety in numbers, which may necessitate an overflow crowd at the dinner table.
• The anal-retentive neighbor:
A six-foot-perimeter fence won’t be enough to deter this persistent nag, who will shadow your every move if action isn’t taken. Either assume a Mike Tyson-like exterior—no ear-biting—to discourage familiarity, or mimic his worst traits, and subject him to the same kind of nagging treatment he inflicts upon others.